Blog: Times is Hard

In the words of Mrs. Lovett…. “Times is hard.”

I’m not even sure where to start. This year is half way through and it’s been one of the toughest years of my life. I’ve been having a hard time putting things into words. It’s like I’ve lost my words and I don’t know how to get them back.

My dad has cancer. Stage One. He’s going to be going through chemo and radiation soon. Well, as soon as his insurance gets it’s shit into gear. We’re just waiting around and it’s so frustrating.

Meanwhile we’ve had vehicle issue after vehicle issue. We need at least two cars because my dad still works and the sib, mom, and I have doctors appointments almost every week.

I don’t mean to bitch and complain, but god I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.

I hate continuing to need to ask for help, but my disability gets eaten up at the beginning of the month and then I have nothing left for utilities.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m depressed and lethargic. I haven’t written anything in months. I want my voice back. I want to write again. But mostly I want to scream in the face of whatever god is out there for putting me and my family through this.

I don’t even know if I believe in god (big G or little g). Because what the hell are they doing right now. The world is on fire, the country I live in is corrupt and falling apart, my family is struggling every god damned day. I don’t understand why these things happen.

And yes, I’m rambling on and on, but it’s all I can do to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs.

I’m trying to find the good things in life. I still love singing Broadway tunes with the sib. I love playing sims. I love spending time with my family. I love reading. But when will I find time for my true love again. When will my words come back to me?